dinsdag 12 augustus 2008

The F-side: The Restart!!!

And Now... A word from the President
Ok, so I haven't really been in touch for a year. A year which turned out to start as a huge, 20m-pound deception, moved on to a period of shouting- 'NOOOO, not Jari Litmanen, HE'S ANCIENT!'- at Sky News-desparation and ended with the greatest escape ever not involving a surly looking Charles Bronson or anyone called Tom, Dick or Harry.

So, where was I during all these Gary Glitter-esque lows and Mika-like highs? In chronological order: Tennesee, in bed with food poisoning (if ever you find yourself Stateside and stumble upon a restaurant franchise called Cheddar's, run for dear life or you'll experience a different kind of 'running'), at university in Bristol, in Switzerland, in Amsterdam, back in Bristol, buying a house, making sure the incumbent occupiers of said house actually 'cheesed it' (© Bender) et cetera.

To my deepest shame, I have not once been able to see any kind of game involving Fulham. Even when we played Bristol Rovers in Bristol, the infuriating ticket lady would not allow me in. I had to make due with the sporadic game thrown by Sky Sports and the tedious musings of the BBC autobots on MOTD. Mind you, I did manage to spend some quality time proclaiming my love for Brede Hangeland in front of his house at three A.M., until the friendly Surrey constabulary kindly offered to escort me home . So anyway, I'm back, I hope both my readers will forgive (or indeed remember) me, and if not, dad you still owe me a tenner for the Chris Baird-bet so cough up or read-and-weep. What's changed? Well, I've decided to start every paragraph with a vaguely relevant song lyric. The good folk at WSC are scared witless.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...
So here we are then. Again about 20m lighter, spent solely in order to surpass Everton as the baldest team in the Premiership. Actually, I'm being very harsh. AJ is a very good replacement for St. Brian, Zamora might just be the left-footer we've needed ever since Boa Morte went looking for a place where he'd be allowed more biscuits and putting in less effort and Mark Schwarzer will keep up morale with his 'shrimp on baaahbie' recipe. Then we have Zoltan Gera, who, although not that great, was West Brom's best player and therefore good to at least make sure he's out of the way. Freddie Stoor looks a bit tasty (though I still believe in the Volzmeister), and John Paintsnail will form an excellent double act with Billy the Badger, entertaining the fans at half-time with their break dancing-and-Israeli -flag waving number. They'll seriously piss off the BNP, if nothing else.

F*ck with the others day (and everybody's celebratin')
As my last post, the team-by-team, 3-midly amusing observation preview, proved popular with 100% of my readers (although, I'm not quite sure how to interpret my dog's licking of the screen, so it might be more like 50), I shall leave this winning team unchanged and look at all of our opponents in turn.

Olympique Islingtonnais
1. Tried to use reverse psychology to get Manny Adebayor to leave. Failed.
2. Billy-boy Gallas and his 'sit down' protest. Somebody send him to Burma.
3. Niklas Bendtner's surname is an anagram for 'Bent Nerd'. You don't find jokes of this quality on Sports Offensive...

Villa d'Aston (A hotel joke? That's the closest thing to a pun you can manage?-The Feckless Farmer)
1. Price of one Zat Knight: 3,5m
Price of one Brede Hangeland: Can't remember, but even if it was 100m, the price/quality ratio would have been about ten times that of Mrs. Zatiyah, who can only function as a defender if placed on the goal line and told not to move.
2.If Tamsin Greig (out of Black Books, which is genius) had a son with Josh Hartnett (out of Pearl Harbour, which isn't) he would look exactly like Gareth Barry.
3. In a parallel universe where the Nazi rise to domination ocurred in Ireland instead of Germany, Steve Sidwell may well have been the prototype 'ubermensch'. As it stands, however, he is a man we can proudly serenade as a reject of both Arsenal and Lokomotiv Abramograd.

Blackface Removers
1. I'd love to see Paul Ince play the race card, Spike Lee-style, if a refereeing decision goes against them: 'Brother ain't ever get a penalty cos whitey's keeping him down'
2. Morten Gamst Pedersen lives in a magical dream world where he is David Beckham.
3. Is Francesca Jeffers still there?

Wandering Bollocks
1. Utterly, completely and irremdeemably tedious. And Kevin Davies is their main goal threat.
2. I have two friends (ok, I do have a few more, but they insist by threat of legal action not to be referred to as such. They prefer to be known as my 'dentist', my 'accountant' and my 'labrador' ). One supports Watford, the other Tottenham. Both, like me emanate a unique noise whenever their team's fixture list reveals 'Bolton-home' to be their next game. This noise sounds somewhere between 'getting
a nail hammered into one's hand' and 'receiving fellatio from a combine harvester'.
3. Take a big sip from your tea and read the following sentence: '
Some commentators have acknowledged that Kevin Nolan could be a future candidate for the England squad. There were reports in a local paper, The Bolton Evening News, that he could play for Holland.'
Is the screen still visble through all that beige liquid?

CSKA Red Star Romanograd
1. John Terry's missed penalty/blubbing scene: it could not have happened to a nicer person.
2. 'Avram Grant escapes from plane crash'. Hmmmm... you have to wonder whether *someone* sent some of his ex-KGB henchmen out in anger. Or perhaps *someone* chose to find a little chore for Andrii Shitshenko, whose skill at finishing would explain exactly why Mr Toad is still breathing...
3. Did you hear about the sad deaths of PiL-drummer Martin Atkins, guitar pioneer Chet Atkins and Blue Lagoon-'star' Christopher Atkins ? Apparently, a certain reedy-voiced, corpulent midfielder took the phrase 'Atkins Diet' a tad too literally...

Looks like we made it to the end
...for now, dear readers (Hi Rover!; See you next week, mom!). Be sure to check back soon to see if I have ZING-ed any other teams by then. I can already promise some witty, articulate and thoughtful put-downs, but we all know I can't keep that promise. Anyway, I have to run, for right now, I have to show a certain special someone the new blue-cross-on-red-rectangle motif adorning my ample backside...








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